Lycra: Modern Day Miracle or Medieval Torture Device

I just blogged about 30 minutes ago, but I got dressed and now I need to add to it. I am utterly physically exhausted! Reason: SPANX. What are Spanx you ask? Well, since you must have been buried under a roc for the last two years or so, I will explain. Spanx = modern day girdle. They are a wonderful slimming invention that smash the muffin tops into submission and are pretty much guaranteed to take off a full size. However…it is a full workout to get into them.

I bought the Spanx yesterday for the wedding. I figured I should break them in today at the rehearsal. I was totally excited and woke up several times in the night thinking about how nice my new brown dress was going to look with my fancy new undergarment. They had a bucketful of “try on Spanx” in the store yesterday and it was love at first squeeze. The saleslady raved about how trim and smooth I looked. I asked her if there were any special laundering instructions and she said to hand wash but not to worry because there would be a booklet of instructions including the proper way to put them on in my package. For $45 I should hope so. However…when I got them out of the package, there was no handy booklet. Whatever…”how hard could it be” flitted through my mind. I thought back to the helpful sales lady….just roll them on, ease them up, and tuck it under your bra strap all around. That last part actually made a lot of sense to me. As a veteran control top hose wearer, I am all to familiar with the feeling akin to a roll top blind taking off uncontrollably down my belly and the blubber spillage that accompanies it, so you don’t have to tell me twice to tuck it into my bra…hats off to the woman that thought of that!

One of the defining features of the Spanx is that it gets rid of VPL (visible panty line) so I have already figured out that you don’t wear underwear with it. Fortunately, they build in a trapdoor so that when nature calls without all of the rigmarole associated with putting the crazy things on. I do feel slightly breezy and a bit like my sister at the moment though. I just know that I will end up peeing on them, too!

Back to the getting dressed. I started with my left leg as per normal. Then I started looking for the right leg. It was pressed up tight against the right. I managed to pry it away and get my leg up high enough to get it in the hole only to realize that the handy trapdoor is a tricky beast and can look amazingly like a leg hole. When I did manage to get my legs heading through the right holes I then had to manage to get the Spanx up my torso. I quickly deduced that the ones in the store had obviously been tried on by numerous other women before me. They were relatively easy to get on. These however were not. They got stuck. Really stuck. In trying to get my fingers under the un-band I think that I poked right through my tender belly skin. Eventually, I did get them up partway, but the crotch was still down around my knees and the un-band barely reached my navel. So I started inching them up. I managed to get them all the way up but they were all twisted and that was really awkward. Picture me, in my 11 inch walkway beside the bed in the camper jumping and twisting and trying to get these Chinese belly puzzles turned around…or maybe don’t. It wasn’t pretty.

Anyway, by the time I got them tucked into my bra band I could barely breathe and was so sweaty I should have headed back to the shower. Not gonna happen. Now that I am in this modern day lycra miracle I’m not sure I’m ever coming out. Cause lemme tell ya…totally smooth, at least one size smaller, no VPL and worth every grunt and dime!