"I don't need an EMT, I need a SCREWDRIVER!"

While "living" in Tucson last week, we thought we should take a few days and check out some of their big tourist attractions. The first one that we hit was Colossal Caves. It is the biggest dry cave in America (I think) and the bats were on vacation for the cold winter months (ha-ha). We had a great time there and would totally go again.

We also went to the Tucson Children's Museum. Um...yeah. It was a children's museum. Eventually, rather than stab myself in the eye with a plastic vegetable in the shopping area, I went out to the truck, got my book, and spent the next hour curled up on a big cushy stool.

Michael took the kids to the Titan Missile Museum and the Pima Air and Space Museum. Both were huge hits with the kids and Michael both. I stayed home and gave myself a cut and colour, so yeah, I loved the day, too!

The icing on our Tucson Cake, however, was Old Tucson. We wanted to spend the whole day and get to see all of the shows there, so we got up early, packed our cooler lunch, and headed out. The first show that we saw was a gunfight. Little did we know, it introduced us to the actors that we would be following around all day. Those Old Tucson actors really work! We were suitably impressed by Billy the Kid' Shoot-Out and headed over to the hotel to watch the Can-Can Show.

Now, we have tried to raise our boys to not look at girls in a sexual way. We don't come out and say "Don't look at them in a sexual way, boys!" but for example, when Matt came home from the store at five years old telling us that he had seen the convenience store clerks boobies, we discouraged him from ever mentioning that again. Turns out, she was wearing a tank-top and Matt appreciates the female figure. Back to the topic...

We were sitting in the dimly lit room and this cute little actress came over and asked Matt what we were there for. That was the high point for him. After the other two performers joined her and they started bending over and shaking their ruffle bottomed bloomers around, my boys were done. I was thoroughly enjoying myself and turned to look at my darling male off-spring, only to find them both with their red cheeked faces pressed firmly to the table, looking anywhere but but at those fishnet clad, mile long legs. They spent the rest of the show waiting for us on the covered porch.

Michael, Abby and I stuck it out though. Near the end of the show, Miss Kitty said she needed a volunteer and I quickly volun-told my wonderful husband to dance with the pretty lady. Suffice it to say, my boys came by their blushing abilities honestly! He was SO cute!

The next event was the Medicine Show. We were quite early and were able to secure one of the three hay bails for our family to sit on. The kids were thrilled with our early arrival as they had lots of opportunity to interact with the actors. When the show started, they chose two people from the audience: one to bang a drum, and one to shake a tambourine. We thought they were already done choosing volunteers when the main actor said they needed someone to test the "medicine".

I heard a voice from behind say "This man has given me $10.00 to take..." and I started to laugh, seeing that he was right by Michael. I laughed until he finished his sentence "...his wife."

Anyone that knows me will realize that although highly embarrassing for me, Bipolar Betty tends to enjoy being on display. Things got a little crazy as things are prone to do, but in all, it was a good experience.

Then came the Antique Cars. I think almost every amusement park type thing has a ride like this. You get in your little car and drive it down a track. The kids really like this. On their second trip through the lineup, Michael and I decided to sit and enjoy the sun on one of the scattered benches.

As we were sitting there waiting for them to finish their ride, we heard Abby start to scream. I was quickly making my way through the maze that the cattle- I mean- kids line up in, when Andrew yelled to me that Abby's knee was stuck. The retired school teacher in line behind her tried to help and got slapped away for his troubles. I got to her and saw that she had wedged her knee in between two of the wooden slats in the fence.

I picked her up and tried to get her to straighten her leg so that the knee would pop out of the fence. No go. She did scream louder though. Yay! I, of course, then got the giggles. My kid was stuck in a fence, the ride attendants were busy doing their nails or something, we could not get the rails pulled apart and the screaming just kept on going. The school teacher looked at me all cracked up, winked, and said "Bit of a drama Queen, is she?"

Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to be able to yell at the attendants that my kid was stuck and she needed help. The girl looked like this was the moment she had been waiting for her entire life! She sprung to the phone and quickly explained the situation. Then she turned to me and said, "Don't worry, I've called an EMT! He's on his way!"

Are you kidding me? Now I am annoyed. "I don't need an EMT, I need a SCREWDRIVER!!!"

She claimed that she didn't have a one at which point Andrew, our oldest son, calmly pointed to the ceiling joist and said "Sure you do, right there!" (SO proud!)

It was the wrong type of screwdriver, but a middle aged passerby had heard me screeching like a fishmongers wife at the poor minimum wage worker and sauntered up, pulling his multi-use tool out of his belt pouch like John Wayne pulling his gun in one of the many movies he made in Old Tucson. You could almost here the good guy music playing. He flipped open his Allen wrench and made quick work of unscrewing the fence and releasing my panicked little girl, whose screams were still slow to abate.

We left right after this.

Matt, however, lost his wallet in the parking lot, so we were soon back to search. Someone took it though. I guess that Camo wallet with the Shamoo sticker and three bucks was too much of a prize for some poor soul to pass up.

My motto for visiting tourist attractions, or going to parties is "Always leave when you are having the most fun."

It didn't quite work out that was at Old Tucson, but still, a good time was had by all. OK... by most.

Did I mention that I forgot the buns when I packed our cooler lunch? Great day, huh!

Cacti and Cowpie

Just in case you didn't know, or were wondering, or are not in my immediate circle of friends who know my every move, I am on a one year family vacation slash mission type trip with my husband and three children. I know that I should have probably just used a slash rather than writing the word slash, but I like doing things the hard way and it's my blog so I can do what I want to, so there.

So, for the past almost three weeks we have been in Arizona. We are all quite fascinated with the vegetation here. Lemme tell you...it is NOTHING like Saskatchewan. Let me also tell you, it is starkly beautiful. As a family, we are big fans of hiking. At least, we were big fans of hiking until today. I may never get Matthew out on the trails again.

I should clarify that by hiking, I mean nice meandering strolls though the great outdoors. Back home we would just drive around out in the country till I saw a stretch of forest that I was intrigued by, park the vehicle and go get a little lost. This always makes my husband very nervous. He likes to be in sight of the vehicle and be able to hear the sound of the road at all times. I like to be out of sight and hearing of all things except the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, free to drop trow and pee wherever the mood strikes me. We compromise by me telling him not to be a baby since I have never been seriously lost in the forest before and do not intend to start now and he moans and complains and follows me. I think he is just afraid of being lost alone and would rather be lost with me and the kids.

Since we have been in Tucson, we have all been loving this one cactus. It looks like a beautiful, fuzzy, drapey cactus over top of a really nice tree trunk. It is amazingly pretty and we had to get closer.

The whole area that we are staying in is open range. I had no idea what that meant, so I will enlighten you as well. (See, I am not merely entertaining, I am educational!) Open range means that cattle have the right of way. If you don't want cow pies in your front yard, it is up to you to put up a fence and keep them out. So if you can picture this, we are surrounded by acres and acres of cacti, mesquite, cattle and cowpies. I have no idea how the cattle survive. There is NO grass. How do they graze? The farmers must really be feeding them at home because they could not be surviving from forage alone. Sorry...chased a rabbit there. The point is that there are trails all around us. I am going to go out on a limb and say that they are cow trails. We found ... evidence... to support this theory.

We got out onto the first trail and had gone about five meters before we came on one of the wonder trees. Being a hands on type of gal, I immediately wanted to touch it. Abby and I cautiously stuck out our fingers in a type of "once bitten, twice shy" move, and found that they are almost soft. They did not poke at all.

Let me rephrase. They did not poke at all while they were on the plant. Something happens after they fall off though, that renders them near lethal weapons. As I was gently caressing the pretty pretty tree, Abby suddenly started screaming "Get it off me! Get it off me!"

I looked down and saw that she had three poky balls sticking out of her leg. I went to get them out of her leg and got them stuck into my hand. They seem to go in and then explode a little underneath your skin in such a way that they are stinking hard to get out. The last one that was stuck in her actually pulled her skin out in a little tent about two centimeters away from her leg. After we got all of the foreign objects removed from our skin we went back to the trailer, put on running shoes and set out again. We actually got some of the pokers stuck into the rubber parts of our shoes that we could not pull out and had to just break off.

It was very different to be out hiking in all of these poky, sharp objects when we were used to soft, mossy surfaces and soaring, evergreen trees. We followed several trails until we kind of cactus-ed ourselves into a corner. We were surrounded on every side and I had to admit defeat and say it was time to head home.

Shortly after we turned back Matt caught one of the poky balls hard in his shin. In a classically Matthew, knee jerk reaction, he reached down, slapped it out of his leg, and succeeded in slicing his hand open in several different spots. These cuts on his hand and leg then started pouring out blood. He was shrieking like he had been stabbed, which of course sent Michael and I into fits of poorly disguised laughter. We are, understandably, in the running for parents of the year. Matt is such an overly dramatic person that anyone would have been hard pressed not to laugh.

After all of the tears had been dried and the laughter had subsided, we resumed our trip out of the desert trap. Along the way I had some time to think about life and the things that go on in it. A lot of times, the things that are the most pleasing to our eyes, and that attract us the most are also the things that hurt us the most. All of us go through situations that hurt, but the most pain comes from the things that capture your attention or your heart and then turn around and bite you in the butt.

I guess the moral of the story is to remember that appearances can be deceiving. Be careful. You never know when something, or someone that attracts you in one way or another will cut, and removing the barbs is very painful.

Also, be careful where you step. Cowpie is tough to get out of shoe treads.