Letters I Will Never Send (except maybe to S.E.P.)

Dear Red Roof Inn,

You make me sad. Each time I see your little insignia mixed in with the other little symbols on the Exit signs at the overpasses, I think you are Tim Hortons and my heart gives a little jump for joy.

You sir, are no Timmies!

Sadly,
A Canadian Missing her Favourite Kickapoo Joy Juice
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Dear Krispy Kreme Donuts,

I owe you an apology. We got off to a bad start, and I said some things about you that I am now ashamed of.

The problem was, I met old, cold, slightly hardened you. Then recently, I met your young, hot, soft, gooey, melty, drippy, krispy, “hot off the presses” self.

I now adore you. Please forgive my previous ignorance and know that I will be seeing more of you before I go back to Canada.

Love,
A Repentant Chubby Girl Making Up for Lost Time

P.S. Your coffee needs work. Go north and visit my friend Timmie so you can learn from the master.
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Dear Tim Hortons,

I miss you more every day. There are still nights that I wake up with tears on my face and a cold empty hand where your cup used to rest.

I hear you are having your famous “RRRRoll Up the Rim” event. How I wish I were there to celebrate with you. Will you still be RRRolling around Easter? I will be seeing you the week before then, when I finally get home.

Do you know that it has been almost six months since my lips last rested against your dark brown lid and your heavenly nectar filled my mouth? Do you miss my $1.55 per day as much as I miss peeling back the tab on your take out cup?

I have made your home brew, but it is just not the same. I am counting down the days until we are reunited, my love.

Longingly,
A Girl With an Addiction

P.S. Ever considered ditching your donuts and going with Krispy Kreme’s instead? Just a thought.
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Dear Susan Elizabeth Phillips (or S.E.P. as I call you when we talk in my head)

Wow…that greeting sounds a little creepy. It’s not like we really talk in my head, more like I talk and you listen. And we only talk about your books, so it’s not like I am pretending we are BFF and going shoe shopping with you. I have real friends for that. Really.

Getting down to business, I have to ask you: What the Jack?

I am a huge fan of your books! I love your sense of humour and your whole writing style. I have actually woken my husband from a dead sleep several times because I find you so dang funny. (Just to let you know, this is somewhat of an honour, because I am not much of a “laugh out loud” kind of girl when I am reading.)

Some things you should know about me:
1. I read a lot.
2. I am a very fast reader.
3. Because I read so quickly, I generally do book exchange or the library so that I can afford to both read and feed my family.

Now that you know this, you should realize how much it means that I saw your book “Glitter Baby” and wanted to have it for keepsies. I drew on my past experience that
S.E.P. never fails to amuse me and her books are ones that I like to reread.

Then I actually started to read “Glitter Baby”. There were several times when I truly had to check to make sure that it was not written by Danielle Steele, and I am still not entirely convinced that some horrendous printing mix-up did not occur in which your name was somehow printed instead of hers.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Danielle! (I tried calling her Dani, or even Elle in my head, but she is really more of a full name type of girl.) Her early works are particularly poignant and spellbinding. Lately, however, it is like she takes a name, location, and plot and loads them into a sneaky little novel writing program on her computer and out spits a new book. Not so enthralling.

S.E.P., WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I did not laugh once during “Glitter Baby”! And I paid full price!

Sadly,
A Reader Who Is Out $9 and Three Hours
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Dear Bloggers Who Think They Are So Cool With Their Fancy Fonts,

What is with your tired little trend of writing words that have a line through them but are still clearly legible and then writing what you thought you should have written after these stricken words?

Puhlease! That is SO two months ago. And really, just because you can cross out words, do you really think I am picturing you at some fancy little outdoor French café, sipping espresso with your long cigarette in a fancy holder, blowing out thin streams of smoke and laughing to yourself as you scribble your spontaneous little thoughts on parchment paper with a fountain pen and then strike out your hastily written little faux pas while Fifi, your pink tinted toy poodle gently nibbles smoked salmon from a Royal Dalton Bread and Butter Plate?

Because I don’t!

So there!

Sincerely,
Someone Who Hopes I Never Need to Let My Font Be Funny For Me
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Dear Font Makers,

Recently, I have seen that some bloggers are using a new font that allows the user to make it appear as if they have stricken a word from their writing, but it is still legible. I have not been able to find this clever little font and wonder if you could help a girl out?

Jealously,
An Unsuccessful Googler of the Font I Adore
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Dear California Highway Patrol Officer from Back in October,

I think you are unfair. It was not very polite of you to serve me with a ticket while I was having a bit of a moment on the 101.

See, my truck had gotten away on me because of all of the hills on the road and I was really enjoying the scenery. When one is being pushed along down a hill by a 32 foot travel trailer, it is hard not to, at times, slightly exceed the speed limit.

I noticed that none of the big rigs that blew past me on those hills like I was standing still were pulled over getting their tickets, and this bothers me somewhat. One might even observe if one was in the habit of being a Peeping Tom in any number of campgrounds across your great nation, that I have indeed lost sleep over the matter.

It also concerns me somewhat that I had to keep calling in to find out the amount that I owed on this traffic violation. By me calling in, I of course mean that every so often my darling husband would notice the ticket hanging on the bulletin board and grouchily call your head office. If my speeding was such a big hairy deal, then why did it take you three months to get the ticket in the system?

By the way, thanks for waiting outside my trailer door while I peed parked on the side of the road. I was a bit nervous as this was my first time getting pulled over, and I have a nervous bladder. I know for next time that I should not, in fact, exit my vehicle at any point during a stop by the Highway Patrol.

Thanks also for only marking me down for going sixty in a fifty five rather than seventy three. (It is a big, heavy trailer.)

My legal council, Joice Lynn, has advised me that her mom once got a ticket in California, and the officer told her that the record is expunged after three years so if she was not planning on driving in California for that amount of time she should just not pay the ticket. Ok, so Joice isn’t really legal counsel, but she claims to be able to do anything she can read about in a book and I am pretty sure she has read a Grisham book sometime in her lifetime. You can see the connection, right?

Respectfully Yours,
A Slightly Innocent Motorist
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Dear Canadian Border Guards,

If I have an unpaid speeding ticket from California, will you still let me back into Canada?

Hopefully Yours,
A Weary Traveller Who Fears She Can’t Afford Any More Travellers Health Insurance
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Dear California Ticket Expungers,

Is it true that you wipe tickets off of people’s records after three years?

Ummm,
Someone Who is Just Asking for Research Purposes?
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Dear Joice,

Hi! We had a great time visiting with you guys! I miss you so much already and am so glad that we got to renew our friendship!
Umm, just in case anyone from California Traffic contacts you regarding me, I may have mentioned that you are my legal council.
Hope your bathroom recovered from Andrew’s unfortunate incident!

Love,
Your Favourite Travelling Hairstylist

P.S. Have you ever read a John Grisham novel?
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Dear Paper Clip on my Sidebar,

You are so cute! Thank you for all of your suggestions and helpful input. Thank you for always talking to me so kindly when I have a little problem or start writing a letter on my Word Program! I just want to roll you up in a leaf of lettuce and eat you like a crispy little healthy burrito!

Love,
Someone Who Should Be Sleeping Instead of Writing Letters to Animated Paper Clips