A Day For Idiocy

Little did I realize, this morning, when I awoke in Cochrane that it was National Idiots Day. The only thing I can think of to excuse myself is that I have a Saskatchewan calendar and I was in Alberta and British Columbia today. I figure that it must be one of those things like Family Day, where it was in Alberta for a few years and then slowly was adapted to the rest of our fair nation. We must have stumbled into some Far West Idiocy Pilot Project. It is the only thing that really makes sense.

To start off, Michael wouldn’t let me take the scenic route from Cochrane to Banff. He claimed that the shoulders were too narrow. So I trudged down the 22 and merged onto the Trans Idiot Highway. They actually renamed it just for today. How nice. As I merged, I was overtaken by a fit of sneezing. I graciously accepted a few choruses of “bless you” but admit that I did succumb to a wee bit of panic when Michael yelled “Honey, BRAKE!” after my last sneeze. Did I mention yet that I was towing a rather large trailer at the time? I can only say thank God that the trailer brakes were not working properly when we left the campsite and that we spent ten minutes resetting them. We needed them! I stomped that brake petal like a hairstylist pumping up a hefty guy in her chair! Who knew those years of hydraulic chair experience would ever come in so handy. We coasted to a stop with millimetres to spare and all breathed a sigh of relief. It turns out there was construction up ahead, but the construction signs were on the road before I merged, so I did not see them.

Then the crawl through the zone began. And I do mean crawl. Except for those few that had remembered to celebrate Idiot Day. They zipped past everyone and then expected to cut in line way up ahead. Man, I hate it when people do that. So I started straddling the centre line so people couldn’t get past. Fixed their little red wagon. I then noticed that the semi in front of me had been doing this strange swerving thing ever since I had been in behind him. He would go all the way to the centre, all the way to the side, all the way to the centre, all the way to the….you get the picture. I actually laughed for a while, because I thought he was just bored and trying to entertain himself. Shortly after we got going highway speed again it began to scare me a bit because he wasn’t stopping, so I pulled out and passed. This is when we realized that we had been following the Grand Marshal of the Idiots Day Parade! He was writing in his log book while driving a SEMI!!!

At our next pee break we popped into the camper to survey the damages. When we travel, the kids toy chests go into the kitchen and get bungee chorded to the pantry doors. For small breaking experiences and little hills this works well. However, when trying to avoid hitting semi trucks, it does not. Bungee chord is really, really stretchy. In case you were wondering, it does stretch enough to allow two toy chests of massive proportions to fall over and spill the drawers and contents of said toy chest all over a fairly large kitchen while taking out an 18L water bottle, garbage can and ladies bicycle in the process and still remain bungeed to the pantry. Impressive! And again, in case you were wondering, half a cup of sugar, with the right momentum CAN sift right between the cracks in a cabinet and cover a surprising area of said kitchen. This is when I decided to get in the spirit of Idiot Day and dragged out my vacuum on the side of the road to vacuum up the sugar. If you can’t figure out why that was an exercise in idiocy, Happy Idiots Day to you too!

Before we set out we had decided to stop in Golden for lunch, but on pulling into the town we saw a FasGas so we decided to pull in and fill up. Or rather, Michael decided and I pulled in. He is all about the Litre Log at the moment. So I pulled in and immediately started having trailer issues so Michael hopped out to direct me in. This was after waiting the ten minutes for the two diesels in front of us to get filled. As I started to pull forward, a guy pulled in to the other side, not close enough that he could actually get to the pump that he needed, but far enough in that I could not move without crunching him. Let me just say, the temptation was great. Michael went over and kindly asked him to move so that we could get through, but he refused, twice, because he didn’t want to lose his spot in line. Really? Neither did we! So there was a dude with a Harley in front of him whose wife was on the other side of the pumps. The guy in the car asked Harley to move because he was just standing there discussing things with his wife, and the wife went up one side and down the other about just waiting and they would be out when they were ready. So he put on his chaps and he snapped up his jacket, and he fiddled around in his trunk thingy and he put on his Harley bandana, and he unsnapped his jacket and he cleaned his sunglasses and he re-snapped his jacket with bandanna inside and finally was ready to go. The whole performance took at least fifteen minutes. Just as we were thinking the guy was about to get on his bike, a van whips around and backs in in front of us. Everyone layed on their horns, the van squealed out, and the Harley driver left.

By now we were all a little stressed and decided that we should call and make a reservation at a campsite so that there would be no surprises once we got to Revelstoke. I called the KOA since we have stayed there before and really liked it. Their reservation system was down but the guy answering phones assured me that he had hi-lighted me on their map and that I would get a 30 amp full service site. He didn’t want to write down my name or take my credit card info, but I finally convinced him to at least write my name down. It did no good. We got to Revelstoke, wound our way down, down, down into the campsite and went in to register. They had no record of our call and did not even believe that I had called. There was a very long and angry confrontation before we stormed out…and by stormed out I of course mean slowly drove out…of the KOA. The lady at the Lamplighter had no room but told us to go to the Canada West RV PARK where “he doesn’t answer the phone but almost always has room.” So we went there and found a sign that said “We’re open but not in the office. I’m out back working so come and find me.” You know what’s “out back”? Mountains. Mountains and bears. Well, we looked, but we did not find, and then another camper said that the owner would want us to just find a place and then let him know later. There was a huge gong show with tying to back the trailer in between the pines, but we are now settled in, pizza’d up, and climbing into bed. We also have a pool at this campground, so the kids are very happy.

I will however be making a recommendation to my Member of Parliament that they issue a travel advisory next year if this whole Idiot Day thing goes national.

Mildly Stinky, Middle Child Syndrome and Form 2

Canadian Tire did not disappoint! We got there and they were like “Where’s form two….we need form two. Can’t do anything without form two!” Well I lost it! Not so much on the outside, but inside I sure did. I “calmly” explained to them that the idiot I had spoken to said that what I had with me was enough and that I had already paid the twenty bucks to get a stupid piece of paper that said it was OK to have the camper on the road for 24 hours. (By calmly I mean I raised my voice just a little and refrained from going over the counter.) Still my fave place to be. Maybe not so much. Anyway, they managed to do the inspection without form two (imagine that) and we just have to take it in when we get it. I really hope Michael gets on that soon!

Playday today was awesome! I was able to vamp up my tan and have a lot of fun with some great kids! I overheard a kid on my team telling his own mom, who was also one of the leaders, that “that lady is a really good mom!” Totally proud (and unprecedented) moment! Maybe shouldn’t have kissed the kid, but hey…whatever! (JK!) And would someone tell me…why are boiled hotdogs so nasty at home but ambrosia when you are hanging with 5-10 year olds? Being in Matt’s class at lunchtime was really an eye-opener. Those kids really want someone to listen to them. I had never met about half of them but once I showed a little interest in their work and their lives, they were all so eager to show me EVERYTHING they had done in the classroom. Every kid got the pointer and told me which picture was theirs and several read me their stories. We even sat around and had a good talk about bullying and choosing friends wisely. It was a real incentive to pay more attention to my own kids. They have a lot to say if I am still and listen. Poor Matt though….I had sent him to Abby’s class so I could meet him in there and slick him up with sunscreen. Poor, ignored, forgotten, un-photographed middle child….when I finally remembered, he was just standing around waiting in the kindergarten class….what was that about being a good mom?? oh yeah....we got one first place and one second place ribbon! I think it was a direct result of the awesome cheering section...ME!

Andrew spent the day at Carleton for the regional track meet. He didn’t place but was OK with that. He placed first at his school and this was a day off for him. It was weird for me to go to pick him up and see that he had spent the whole day in a crowd of hundreds of kids. It would have freaked me out, but he was fine with it. Probably would have been more fine if he had remembered his water bottle. I swear, we need to get up about three hours early for school if we want everyone to be reasonably clean, fed and prepared. Umm….yeah…..I can deal with mildly stinky, slightly hungry and not quite Boy Scout approved if it means two more hours of shut eye.

Swiper's Wrist and Heebie Jeebies

My first blog…how very exciting. I have always tried to keep a journal, but never really succeeded. I have many pretty little books tucked away into drawers in which I have started to record my life, but after a few days, or occasionally a couple of weeks, they seem to fizzle. Maybe it will be different since it is an online thing this time. Or not. Time will tell.

We officially have 26 days left until we are living in a camper. I think it will be more like about three weeks though since we want to get the house cleaned out and cleaned up and not really have to rush it.

Things are starting to come together. We just went and took care of the whole phone thing, so we will still have the same cell numbers as always. I am wondering about the wisdom in that though, since I suspect there will be a lot of wrong numbers that way, or people looking for a haircut. I guess I could book them in. It may be a long way to travel for a cut, but the quality I’m sure is worth it! I also forgot to get message manager in the package, and I am thinking we will want that.

This afternoon we need to go and get a permit to move the trailer and take it up to my fave place in the world, (my fingers are actually dripping sarcasm as I write that) Canadian Tire and get the out of country inspection thing done. It is so far the only thing about this move that has not required the swipe of plastic through the machine. I am starting to develop swiper's wrist, a not so distant cousin to tennis elbow and carple tunnel! Oh, scratch that…we have to pay $20 to get the permit, so I guess there really is no such thing as a free lunch. Michael is trying to get out of taking it in today, but I will prevail! He does not want me to start packing the camper until after the inspection, and in order to stop the insane panic attacks I think I need to start doing some transferring out there.

I am averaging about 2-3 panic attacks per day now and one of the crazy lower back panic attacks about every 2-3 days. I am calling them Back Panic Attacks because they occur when I am super stressed and feel like intense heebie jeebies in my lower back. This can last up to 10 minutes and I have the creepy crawly wiggles the whole time. What fun! If only I could add stress induced nosebleeds into the mix I think my life would feel complete.

So my list of things to do in the next three weeks is a little long, but still manageable so far. I need to have a b’day party for the boys. Andrew’s b’day was in February, so I am a wee bit behind on that. Also, I am going to Play Day tomorrow and Matt really wants me to go on his field trip next Thursday, so I guess I will be spending a lot of time at school. And why not? It’s not as if I’m not practically oozing free time…why not spend 14 usable hours at school? Please someone give me a good reason why not!