A Day For Idiocy

Little did I realize, this morning, when I awoke in Cochrane that it was National Idiots Day. The only thing I can think of to excuse myself is that I have a Saskatchewan calendar and I was in Alberta and British Columbia today. I figure that it must be one of those things like Family Day, where it was in Alberta for a few years and then slowly was adapted to the rest of our fair nation. We must have stumbled into some Far West Idiocy Pilot Project. It is the only thing that really makes sense.

To start off, Michael wouldn’t let me take the scenic route from Cochrane to Banff. He claimed that the shoulders were too narrow. So I trudged down the 22 and merged onto the Trans Idiot Highway. They actually renamed it just for today. How nice. As I merged, I was overtaken by a fit of sneezing. I graciously accepted a few choruses of “bless you” but admit that I did succumb to a wee bit of panic when Michael yelled “Honey, BRAKE!” after my last sneeze. Did I mention yet that I was towing a rather large trailer at the time? I can only say thank God that the trailer brakes were not working properly when we left the campsite and that we spent ten minutes resetting them. We needed them! I stomped that brake petal like a hairstylist pumping up a hefty guy in her chair! Who knew those years of hydraulic chair experience would ever come in so handy. We coasted to a stop with millimetres to spare and all breathed a sigh of relief. It turns out there was construction up ahead, but the construction signs were on the road before I merged, so I did not see them.

Then the crawl through the zone began. And I do mean crawl. Except for those few that had remembered to celebrate Idiot Day. They zipped past everyone and then expected to cut in line way up ahead. Man, I hate it when people do that. So I started straddling the centre line so people couldn’t get past. Fixed their little red wagon. I then noticed that the semi in front of me had been doing this strange swerving thing ever since I had been in behind him. He would go all the way to the centre, all the way to the side, all the way to the centre, all the way to the….you get the picture. I actually laughed for a while, because I thought he was just bored and trying to entertain himself. Shortly after we got going highway speed again it began to scare me a bit because he wasn’t stopping, so I pulled out and passed. This is when we realized that we had been following the Grand Marshal of the Idiots Day Parade! He was writing in his log book while driving a SEMI!!!

At our next pee break we popped into the camper to survey the damages. When we travel, the kids toy chests go into the kitchen and get bungee chorded to the pantry doors. For small breaking experiences and little hills this works well. However, when trying to avoid hitting semi trucks, it does not. Bungee chord is really, really stretchy. In case you were wondering, it does stretch enough to allow two toy chests of massive proportions to fall over and spill the drawers and contents of said toy chest all over a fairly large kitchen while taking out an 18L water bottle, garbage can and ladies bicycle in the process and still remain bungeed to the pantry. Impressive! And again, in case you were wondering, half a cup of sugar, with the right momentum CAN sift right between the cracks in a cabinet and cover a surprising area of said kitchen. This is when I decided to get in the spirit of Idiot Day and dragged out my vacuum on the side of the road to vacuum up the sugar. If you can’t figure out why that was an exercise in idiocy, Happy Idiots Day to you too!

Before we set out we had decided to stop in Golden for lunch, but on pulling into the town we saw a FasGas so we decided to pull in and fill up. Or rather, Michael decided and I pulled in. He is all about the Litre Log at the moment. So I pulled in and immediately started having trailer issues so Michael hopped out to direct me in. This was after waiting the ten minutes for the two diesels in front of us to get filled. As I started to pull forward, a guy pulled in to the other side, not close enough that he could actually get to the pump that he needed, but far enough in that I could not move without crunching him. Let me just say, the temptation was great. Michael went over and kindly asked him to move so that we could get through, but he refused, twice, because he didn’t want to lose his spot in line. Really? Neither did we! So there was a dude with a Harley in front of him whose wife was on the other side of the pumps. The guy in the car asked Harley to move because he was just standing there discussing things with his wife, and the wife went up one side and down the other about just waiting and they would be out when they were ready. So he put on his chaps and he snapped up his jacket, and he fiddled around in his trunk thingy and he put on his Harley bandana, and he unsnapped his jacket and he cleaned his sunglasses and he re-snapped his jacket with bandanna inside and finally was ready to go. The whole performance took at least fifteen minutes. Just as we were thinking the guy was about to get on his bike, a van whips around and backs in in front of us. Everyone layed on their horns, the van squealed out, and the Harley driver left.

By now we were all a little stressed and decided that we should call and make a reservation at a campsite so that there would be no surprises once we got to Revelstoke. I called the KOA since we have stayed there before and really liked it. Their reservation system was down but the guy answering phones assured me that he had hi-lighted me on their map and that I would get a 30 amp full service site. He didn’t want to write down my name or take my credit card info, but I finally convinced him to at least write my name down. It did no good. We got to Revelstoke, wound our way down, down, down into the campsite and went in to register. They had no record of our call and did not even believe that I had called. There was a very long and angry confrontation before we stormed out…and by stormed out I of course mean slowly drove out…of the KOA. The lady at the Lamplighter had no room but told us to go to the Canada West RV PARK where “he doesn’t answer the phone but almost always has room.” So we went there and found a sign that said “We’re open but not in the office. I’m out back working so come and find me.” You know what’s “out back”? Mountains. Mountains and bears. Well, we looked, but we did not find, and then another camper said that the owner would want us to just find a place and then let him know later. There was a huge gong show with tying to back the trailer in between the pines, but we are now settled in, pizza’d up, and climbing into bed. We also have a pool at this campground, so the kids are very happy.

I will however be making a recommendation to my Member of Parliament that they issue a travel advisory next year if this whole Idiot Day thing goes national.